Parental Burnout

Burnout seems to be a hot button issue as of late. Burnout is usually talked about as it relates to a job, or recently, as it relates to stay-at-home orders because of the pandemic. Employers cite burnout as a reason for high turnover rates or low staff productivity and try to take measures in the workplace to reduce employee burnout.

Burnout is rarely discussed as it relates to parenting, even parenting kids with special needs. While it may not be discussed often, it is a real issue, and a silent issue. Many parents find themselves to be too embarrassed to bring up to other parents or even to mental health professionals.

What is burnout? It is described as an emotional state and mental exhaustion as a result of prolonged stress. I don’t know about you, but that pretty accurately describes the last 18 months of my life.

Parenting: it’s not for the faint of heart. Parenting is hard work that is often thankless. Parenting during a global pandemic is as close to impossible as it gets, and we’re not allowed to quit this job. As parents, particularly parents of special needs children, it is imperative that we are able to recognize the signs and symptoms of burnout, take steps to prevent it from happening, and then know what to do when it does, because it will, and it will happen repeatedly. The bottom line is this: burnout is going to happen, and it will not go away on its own.

How to recognize symptoms of burnout:

Feeling tired and drained

There is a difference between being tired and being fatigued. When we are tired, and we allow ourselves to rest, that tiredness goes away. Fatigue is a different beast; one that is more severe than tiredness and can make it difficult to function properly. How do you know if you are just tired, or you are fatigued?

            Feeling tired could mean that you are happy and fulfilled at the end of a wonderful trip to Disneyland. Fatigue is a negative experience that does not stop until action is taken to correct it. Fatigue cannot be corrected by rest alone.

How does fatigue affect parents of children with autism? 

The effects of fatigue in parents include the inability to cope with the daily struggles of parenting which can lead to impacts on overall mental health and can change the cognitive processes in the brain. Symptoms of fatigue include forgetfulness, impaired mental function, loss of patience or having a short temper, and the feeling of being overwhelmed easily, even by simple daily activities.

If that’s not enough, here are some other indicators that you may be experiencing burnout:

Getting sick easily

Frequent headaches or muscle pain

Change in appetite

Mood swings

Sleeplessness

Loss of motivation

Feeling detached, feeling alone

Decreased satisfaction and sense of accomplishment

Withdrawal from responsibilities

Isolation from others

Procrastination

How to prevent burnout:

I’m not about to give you the secret to eternal happiness, if I had that I would be going to brunch with Oprah instead of writing this post. There are however a few things we can do every day to help minimize the feelings of burnout.

Be gentle with yourself:

You are so good at being gentle with your children when they are struggling, be gentle with yourself too. Positive self-talk can help greatly with this, as can breaking down complex tasks into easily achievable steps. Find the smallest things that you do well and take a moment to appreciate the fact that you can take the peel off of an apple in one long string, or that you finally went through that pile of mail that has been sitting there for over a week. By recognizing and focusing on those little victories, the multitude of responsibilities and challenges can seem a little easier.

Set reasonable boundaries, take a break

Do not, I repeat, do not assume that this is where I tell you to pick up a new hobby. If that hobby takes less than 5 minutes per day, go for it, I won’t stop you. I also won’t pretend that parenting children with special needs doesn’t take up every waking minute of your life. Try to find some small things that make you happy and try to incorporate your children in those things if possible. If it helps to clean out a closet, or put on music and have a kitchen dance while making dinner, these things can help you take a bit of a mental break during your day.

Story time: One of my challenges as a parent of a child with autism is the fact that I cannot leave my child alone, even for a second. I know that I am not alone in this. This means that I can’t go upstairs and throw a load of laundry in the washing machine and assume that my child will be ok. I can’t even scroll through Instagram on my phone (sitting in the same room with him) if I am the one responsible for his safety. This results in hyper-vigilance: the elevated state of assessing potential threats around you. Hyper-vigilance is also something that can quickly lead to burnout, it’s exhausting. Taking a break when you are a primary caregiver isn’t always an option.

During the bowels of the pandemic I needed a break. I was able to find a jogging stroller second hand and started walking with my guy in the stroller. From here I was able to put on a podcast and take a mental break. I knew my child was safe in the stroller, enjoying looking at the world around him, and I was able to check out. This eventually turned in to walking faster and faster and then turned in to running. The Peloton (not a sponsor, ha!) app has some wonderful, guided walks and runs, they got me through some hard days. Exercise, as much as I hate it, releases endorphins to give you a little mood lift that can help carry you through to bedtime.

Rest

Rest does not just mean sleep. Rest can also look like staying up a bit too late watching your favorite television show and resting your mind and body, sure you may be a little tired tomorrow, but doing this from time to time can help prevent fatigue.

Ask for help

This one is a bit loaded, it’s hard to ask for help, and it’s also hard to find the right kind of help. I work with many families who do not have a lot of family support. I can count on one hand the number of people I’d trust to watch my children for more than 30 minutes, and two of them don’t live anywhere near me. If you have a child with special needs there are resources out there for you to help care for your child. You are not a hero for not asking for help, and you are not a failure for asking. If you live in California reach out to your nearest regional center to get more information about the kind of services that are available to you. There are also resource centers everywhere that are full of advice to help you find someone to help care for your family so you can have the time to take care of yourself. Remember, you cannot fill someone else’s cup if yours is empty. Fill your own cup.

Talk to other parents

Find support groups in your area for parents of children with autism or special needs. I know that I tend to minimize how hard things can be when talking with my friends because they don’t truly understand the daily struggles. Just being able to talk about your struggles in a room (or zoom) full of people who *know* what you are experiencing because they are experiencing the same thing can be so helpful, and cathartic. I highly recommend it. If you can’t find one, reach out and I’ll help, it’s that important to me.

Making a few small daily changes, enlisting the skilled help of others, and finding your tribe are a few ways that you can prevent parental burnout. If you are already burnt out (if you’ve made it this far, I think it’s safe to say that you are), there is no better time to start than now.