Listening To Directions: Dealing With Noncompliance
I’m standing in the kitchen asking my daughter to stop tugging on my shirt and whining for a snack while I’m trying to make dinner. My little angel looks me square in the eye and yells “NO!” as she continues to tug and whine.
I ask my precious gift to put her shoes on as I’m wrestling to get shoes on her little brother and I look up and she’s off playing with a toy. I ask again, and start putting water bottles in the diaper bag, I look back and she’s helping her brother take off the shoes I just wrestled on to him. I ask again and she starts to walk away to find something else to do. I stop asking and start yelling as I put her shoes on for her. Cue the tears and a very frustrated mommy. Why don’t my kids listen to me when I ask them to do something the first time? Why do my kids think they have the right to be so defiant? Who is in charge here, isn’t it supposed to be me?
A little defiance is a normal part of healthy development. As kids grow and learn it is part of their nature to test their boundaries and learn how to push our buttons. As parents it is our job to place reasonable boundaries, set examples, and reinforce rules to give children an understanding of their environment, what they can and cannot question, and reinforce who is in charge (Hint: it has to be you).
Developing a relationship based in boundaries and rules help children to understand their place in the world, and gives them a sense of safety and comfort in knowing someone else can take charge in new or unfamiliar situations.
I am not about to preach about strict rules and enforcing them in a stringent way. Kids need to be kids, they need the space to be able to grow and learn and play, but in a safe and respectful way that doesn’t touch every last nerve you have by the end of the day.
Attention
Noncompliance can be a great way for kids to get attention from us. If we ask them to put their shoes on and they do it the first time, the amount of attention they get is fairly low, especially as we’re going through the checklist of all of the things we need to have before stepping out the door. If they fail to listen and end up getting yelled at and the task done for them, the amount of attention they receive is much greater than it would have been should they have been compliant the first time. To some children, any attention is good attention to them, even if it’s yelling or redirecting.
One way to lessen the likelihood of noncompliance is to make sure we’re giving as much positive attention throughout the day as possible. Sitting and doing a puzzle together, spending time talking about their day or asking questions about their favorite topic can go a long way as far as meeting that need for positive attention.
We can use attention to our advantage as well, in the form of praise. We can selectively praise any form of positive behavior we see to increase the likelihood of compliant behavior. Ask your child to do some small, easy tasks and overly praise them for it for a day or two, keeping in mind praise needs to be immediate and specific to the behavior you’re trying to shape. “Thank you so much for handing me your cup, I love it when you’re such a good listener!”
Alternatively, when your child is being noncompliant keep the talking and eye contact to a minimum to send the message that attention is no longer available when they are not listening.
Giving instructions
How we give an instruction is equally as important as how we react when a child is not listening. By simply changing the way we ask our children to do things, we can have a huge impact on the likelihood of them complying. Here are a few examples of problematic ways to ask a question or give a command:
Do you want more crackers? Hey, I asked if you wanted more crackers. James! DO YOU WANT MORE CRACKERS? Hey! James! Over here! I asked you a question, do you want more crackers?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Olivia, can you come sit down for dinner? Olivia, can you please come sit down, it’s dinner time. OLIVIA, please come sit, we’re about to eat dinner.
When giving effective instructions there are a few steps to follow:
1. Get their attention.
If they are not attending to you they won’t fully hear what you’re asking. Say their name, make eye contact, minimize distractions (pause the TV), or simply crouch down in front of them and make sure they are looking at you before you give a direction. By ensuring they heard you the first time they have no excuse to not immediately comply.
2. Give directions once.
When we repeat a direction over and over again it lessens the need for our children to fully listen when we speak, if we are in the habit of giving directions like in the first scenario, our children learn very quickly they don’t really need to listen because you’re probably going to say it again.
3. Give directions as statements.
For things that are non-negotiables, don’t ask your child to do it, tell them to do it. When we give directions as questions it opens the door for refusal and lessens the command. When we give directions as statements it communicates that we mean business.
4. Follow through.
If you have ensured their attention before giving a direction in the form of a statement and they have not complied, it’s time to stop what you’re doing and prompt them through the activity. Walk over to them, take them by the hand and help them to complete the activity. Yes, this is a lot of work in the short-term, but by doing this our children learn that if they don’t comply right away things aren’t going to go well for them. They will be more likely to listen the first time, and you will be less likely to resort to yelling and frustration.
Give control, offer choices
Children may often be defiant as a means of trying to control their environment. When it’s time to complete an activity, finding a way to give two choices surrounding the activity gives the child a sense of control over their life, fostering compliance.
Getting dressed in the morning can be a source of frustration for many parents and children. If we ask “Do you want to get dressed now?” we will often be met by a “No!” but by offering two choices they are not given the opportunity to say no, instead their response is a choice between the purple dress or the blue dress.
When we have two activities that need to be completed but the order doesn’t matter, giving a choice increases compliance because the child feels as if they are in control of the situation and are more likely to follow through on the activity because they chose it. For example, it doesn’t matter to me if my daughter puts her pajamas on before or after brushing her teeth but it matters to her greatly. I often give her the choice in the order of events for the bedtime routine, which has helped greatly in reducing frustration at bedtime.
Make sure the choices given are choices you are willing to grant, don’t offer a choice between an apple and ice cream for a snack if you’re not willing to immediately give them the ice cream.
Reinforce good behavior
Creating a reward system contingent upon compliance is a quick and easy way to get a kid to listen and comply the first time a direction is given. Providing immediate, frequent, and specific praise coupled with some kind of tangible reinforcement is a very effective way to get our kids and spouses to do whatever we want, whenever we want it (insert evil laugh here). Stay tuned for a separate post about positive reinforcement and token economy systems, in the meantime brush up on your repertoire of positive language!
Increased Effort Now, Decreased Effort Later
A common complaint I get from parents is that all of these suggestions increase the effort on the part of the parent, which is absolutely true. It’s easier for me to yell at my kid from across the room than to stop what i’m doing, walk over to them, and get down on their level to ensure compliance every single time I need to give a direction. Yes, that’s a lot of work. Keep in mind by placing a steady groundwork and consistently reinforcing and redirecting we are ensuring that in the future our child is more compliant and our effort will be greatly reduced once they catch on. Consider the process of toilet training (if this concept strikes fear in your heart, don’t worry, i’ve written a post on it! Click here to read). It’s a long process that takes massive amounts of effort on our part, but isn’t it so great when they’re independent and we no longer have to change diapers? Think of the payoff that’s coming your way and practice self-care in the meantime.
