Tantrums in Public

Parenting young children isn’t for the faint of heart, they come in to this world flailing, screaming, and demanding 100% of your attention and time. We devote ourselves to meet their every need and over the first year things start to get better, they can do things, they can walk, they can start to communicate their wants and needs more efficiently, and for the lucky few, they can start to entertain themselves! Then, they turn 2, and at their first meeting at the 2 year olds club they all get together and decide it’s time to start having tantrums. (Some kids are inducted in to the 2 year olds club a little early, as was the case for my kids, overachievers)

As sure as the sun rises and sets, every parent eventually has to manage a child having a tantrum in public. It’s most likely going to happen at the grocery store when you tell your child they aren’t getting lucky charms to eat for breakfast. As parents, we all have our public parent persona and private parent persona, where you can just let your child roll around on the floor at home or just walk away from them when they start to act a fool, we know that Debbie in aisle 3 has an opinion about how you’re handling your child’s tantrum and will most likely want to share that opinion with you.

In extreme cases, Debbie may disapprove of your decisions in managing your child so much that they may call the police, and I wish I was kidding about this. I have a friend who was in the grocery store with her son just last week and he began to engage in a very loud, very severe tantrum, one that drew attention from almost everyone in the store. He then ran away from his mom and there were some very helpful people that headed him off at the front door and held on to him before he could run in to the parking lot. When the mom got to him to take him to the car to calm down he began to hit her in the face. In that moment she decided to flip him upside down to protect her from his fists and protect him from injuring himself. A (let’s assume) well-meaning woman ran up to my friend and started yelling at her, trying to take her son from her and trying to turn him right-side up while she was rushing to get him to her car. When my friend didn’t do what this lady told her to do, she called the police, and subsequently Child Protective Services.

 A situation that was already embarrassing and stressful for my friend turned in to a nightmare ending with a visit from CPS. Thankfully, not all parents have to endure what my friend did, but all parents have to endure tantrums. If you are a parent and you haven’t, please, teach me your ways and give me the number of the devil because you obviously have sold your soul.  

What is a tantrum? Behavior. What is behavior? Learned. In behavior-analytic (cough, nerd, cough) speak, behavior is controlled by its environment and the consequences encountered. At its core, behavior is governed by its consequences. Behavior that is reinforced is more likely to occur again in the future, and behavior that is punished or not reinforced is less likely to occur in the future. (Keep in mind, “punishment” can be a naughty word to some but can mean many things…stay tuned) Consider this example: I tell a mom-joke to a group of my mom friends and they all laugh hysterically. I go home and tell the same joke to my husband who chuckles and says “that’s a good one” (he’s hard to impress). The likelihood of me telling that joke again has gone way up, the behavior was reinforced. Now in a much more likely world, imagine I tell the same joke and it falls flat and I don’t even get one sympathy laugh. The likelihood of me telling that joke to my husband or anyone else has reduced significantly, the behavior was punished. My behavior changes depending on what consequence I encounter. Now imagine my well-meaning sister reminds me before brunch with the girls that I am a terrible joke-teller and should probably keep my jokes to myself and reminds me of a story I should tell the group instead. Boom. Behaviorized. I was given an opportunity to replace my problem behavior (I really am that bad at telling jokes) with a functional replacement behavior (telling that cute story about how my daughter thinks any time Justin Timberlake sings the word “girl” he’s singing about her).  

Now, how does my brunch with the girls relate to tantrums? Behavior is behavior is behavior. Think about the last time your child engaged in a tantrum in public. What did you do? Did you cave and buy them the lucky charms just to get through the grocery shopping? Did you promise them tablet time when they got home or hand them your phone? Boom, you’ve been behaviorized by your own kid. The next time you go shopping expect to see another tantrum because it sure as heck worked for them last time. “But Stephanie, what about Debbie in aisle 3? I can’t just let my kid kick and scream or give them a time-out like I do at home”. This is the difficulty of public tantrums and why I’m writing this post! If you have a kid who has had several public meltdowns its time to change your approach.

First, set up clear expectations. Talk to your child about what you are going to do and what is expected of them. List things they can do versus things they can’t do. For example: “Mia, we’re going to the post office and we may have to wait in line for a little bit. If you’re a good listener and wait patiently with me, you can pick which songs we listen to on the way home”. By heading the behavior off at the pass and listing the behaviors you’re looking for, and then topping it off with a reinforcer of some kind, you have mastered the 1-2 punch of behavior management!

Second, oh crap that didn’t work and she’s whining and squirming and combustion is imminent. Stay calm. Speak in a neutral tone of voice and remind her what you discussed. Model the behavior you want to see in her. Get on her level, look her in the eyes and reassure her that if she can keep it together there is a reward in it for her (only do this if you have already worked out that part with her before the behavior started, that’s called reinforcement. If you dangle the carrot after the behavior has already begun, that’s called bargaining and is a no-no!).

Lastly, should things go south (and they might, in fact they will, you’re human and so is that red-faced bundle of joy you love so much), keep your cool, finish your task, and get the heck out of there. Withhold the reinforcement you had promised before and try again tomorrow. Sometimes kids have to encounter the consequence to understand what it truly means.  

Finally, and this may be the most important part of this whole post, don’t worry about what other people think, and please don’t take to heart the horrible things people think are ok to say to you when your kid is losing it. By simply making it to the end of my long and drawn out post, you have taken an incredible step towards a better experience for both you and your child, and that makes you a great parent. Keep it up, and if you need more help, call me.